My name is Cat, and I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), which is the main subject of this blog. BPD has dominated my life for as long as I can remember; however, due to a total lack of mental health awareness, I just blundered through most of my life the best I could, believing it was only matter of time until my “true” identity as a crazy person ruined everything I had carefully constructed out of fear, lies, shame and manipulation.
As far as I can tell, BPD occurs when extreme emotions go unnoticed, punished or generally invalidated during a pivotal stage of development. Part of you learns to shut down and control other parts (i.e. uncontrollable emotional parts), while faking qualities that create validation from others (smart, funny, popular, promiscuous, etc.). The long-term result is a feeling that gave me the idea for this blog: half of a soul. My own BPD experience has been, above all, a chronic feeling of being somehow warped, hollow, flawed, and especially, incomplete inside.
I always thought if I just found the one person who could take care of me or show me how to be okay, everything would fall into place. Unsurprisingly, this person never appeared. Those who did try to help were somehow never enough to fill the gaping holes inside me, for reasons I didn’t understand.
Along the way, I fought tooth and nail to hide my dissociative episodes, crushing feelings of abandonment and rejection, extreme emotional sensitivity, anxiety-related behaviours (OCD/trichotillomania), self-harm, and complete inability to maintain healthy, close relationships.
Getting the diagnosis of BPD (including a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress syndrome, the frequent co-disorder of BPD) was scary but a huge relief at the same time. Through this label, I realized my behaviours were far from crazy or indicative of how flawed I was – they made perfect sense for me and for so many others who were going through the same thing. By seeking more information about BPD and about mental health in general, I came across the incredible blogging community that exists with respect to mental health issues.
As part of my desire to stay connected to this community and to further mental health awareness, I’m taking part in the “Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project,” which involves the following pledge:
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
If you’d like to become involved in this project, visit this page to learn more. I don’t know about you but I’m excited to make 2014 the year I really focus on improving my mental health and helping to create awareness about the issues affecting so many of us.
Cat xxxx
Half of a Soul - Life with BPD 
Thanks for sharing this post….it would really helpful.
Wow, in just such a short post, you have answered a couple of my own questions that were weighing me down. I’ve not long been diagnosed with a BPD and still trying to get my head around it. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself and now I understand the blog name, which makes perfect sense
That was quite interesting to read you have answered a lot of unanswered questions that arouses sometimes in my mind.
thanks dear
hey dear
thanks for these very informative answers to most of my unanswered questions about my mental health.
it was worthy reading your blog post.
It was worthy reading your blog post for mental health I was so indulged into your blog post as it was exactly the answers I was looking for number of my questions.
Thanks dear
I am very impressed by your blog and motive behind writing blogs on mental health.I think you can write on this topic better any body else as you have deeply observed that.Please don’t stop and go ahead.Thanks
Hi! congratulation for writing such a wonderful and valuable blog about BPD .I think its words are written by your blood.It’s a great to serve humanity through writing blogs and guide the BPD . May you get more success.Keep it up.
Thank you to everyone for your kind comments – they mean so much to me! Hugs to all xxxx
I was very interested reading this post. At one time, I was wrongly diagnosed with BPD, and the medications that were tried for other disorders I do have, made my life hell. You answered a lot in this post about some of the reasons and feelings of this disorder. I hope you continue to write and hoping your days stay sunny. xo